just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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