I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
