the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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