i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
