i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
