before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
