Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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