We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
