what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
