She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
