I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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