My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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