dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
