Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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