Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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