So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
