$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
id be glad to
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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