So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
These tits shall not be calmed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
