I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
