Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Nicole vs. Life
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
