I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
