last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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