No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
