apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
