i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
