I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
