Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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