when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
