Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
