just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
