2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
