I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize