all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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