I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
