I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
