No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
