i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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