final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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