I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
