girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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