If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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