Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
