Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
