Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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