id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
