You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
