Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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