I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
