"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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