stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
