Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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