the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
