yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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