I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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