We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
