You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
