I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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