My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize