dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
